Some people find it not to be the best time of year. It’s perfectly okay.

This was done earlier in the month Maya Vander shared the heartbreaking news that she delivered baby boy Mason in a stillbirth—and now, she’s opening up about her grief over the holidays.

“This is not the Christmas Eve I had envisioned,” the The Sunset Selling star captioned a picture of her family in front of their Christmas tree. “This is the day Mason would have returned home.”

And while she acknowledged she was smiling in the photo—which features husband David MillerThey and their children Aiden2. Elle, 19 months—she admitted looks can be deceiving. It’s been tough,” she said. It was the first time I had ever experienced such grief. The family will take it one day at time, and do their best to help the kids. All the messages and kindness I have received are truly amazing. It is a blessing to have our children around and we know it will all be okay.