Billie LourdIn memory of her deceased mother Carrie Fisher, five years after her death.

In an Instagram post shared on “the 27th here down unda”—Billie celebrated Christmas in Australia with fiancé Austen Rydell and their 15-month-old sonKingston Fisher Lourd Rydell— the actress opened up about her grief as she marked the fifth anniversary of the Star Wars icon’s passing.

The 29-year old actress shared a throwback picture of Fisher and her with Fisher, writing, “People always question me what stage I am in.” My answer is not always simple.”

“My grief is a multi course meal with many complicated ingredients,” the American Horror Story: Double Feature star continued. Star continued: “An amuse bouche based on bargaining, followed by an anger appetizer that includes depression, acceptance of the entree, and a bit of denial.”

Noting “that’s how grief should be,” Billie said she feels “all things all at once” and “there is no ‘should’ in grief – grief just is whatever it is for you and that is how it ‘should be.'”