Alyssa Scott is celebrating what would have been her and Nick Cannon“Son” Zen‘s first birthday. 

Zen wishes you a happy and heavenly birthday. At the root of all the emotions I have today there is insurmountable love,” she captioned a June 23 Instagram video of precious moments she spent with her baby before he died Dec. 5. “I always try my best to remain positive but right now I can’t help but cry out ‘it’s not suppose to be like this.'”

Alyssa said that Zen can be seen “smashing his cakes and crawling about.” Reality eventually set in, and Alyssa began to grieve about how she would “be the first one to light his first candle.” 

She added, “I’ll wish he were still with us,” “REST HIGH.”

On the Dec. 7 episode of Nick’s former eponymous talk show, he shared that Zen had passed away after a battle with a rare brain cancer, which the duo learned after taking Zen in for a routine doctor’s visit.